Ne yıllar, ne aylar, ne mevsimler….Asırlar…
Her şey o andan ibaret ne yaşadığın, ne gördüğün, ne hissettiğin, damarlarında akan an o an sadece. Ötesi, berisi, gerisi değil hayat; şu an. Seni sen yapan gösterdiğin değil insanlara, göstermediğin aslında. Aklının dibinde, kuyunda sakladığın çıkarmadığın. Cesaretin olup da hiç çıkaramayacağın.
Her saniye, akıyor içinden hisler, kızgınlıklar, sevinçler, sevgiler, nefretler… çoklar böyle işte; çok çok yer kaplıyorlar aslında saniyelik, saliselikler. Seyirlik ömrümüz, ne kadar uzun, ne kadar kısa…
Çok uzunmuş sanman niye? Hiç gitmeyecek sanman niye? Değil işte, değil. Kısa her uzun şey gibi senin yanında olması da kısa. Verdiğin zarar uzun, ağır, sancılı, kocaman, kötü. Ama artık olmaması bak ne kadar kısa. Hep orada olacaktı hani seni hiç bırakmayacak, her zaman kollayacak, omzunda ağlanacak, kucağında uyunacak, küsülecek, nefret edilecek, ezilecek, üzülecek ama hep orada olacak. Bu uzun bir rüyaydı senin için bak ne kısaymış bitti. Sandın ki senden, sandın ki candan ama hesap edemedin kendi canını bile bu kadar yaksa insan kendini terk ederdi. Hep orada olacaktı hani, orada olmak için bile olsa hep orada olacaktı. Ne uzun zamandır oradaydı, daha da çok uzun sürecekti bak bitti ne kısaymış bitti. Bitince anladın ne uzun, ne kısa olduğunu; bitince fark ettin değil mi? o karanlık, soğuk yapış yapış, çirkin yalnızlık, uyuz duygu gelince anladın mı? Acaba!!! İşte uzun olan bu iliklerine kadar hissettiğin atmak isteyip atamadığın, kafandan çıksın diye her an uğraştığın, o dönen hızlanan, giderek karmaşık hale gelen görüntüleri durdurmak için beynindeki neler verirdin. Kısalsın istedin şimdi zaman acılar hemencecik geçsin, hemen bitsin yeni hayat başlasın, güneş doğsun, her yer ışıl ışıl olsun. Olmuyor kısaltamıyorsun, şimdi istesen de istemesen de dakikalar yıl gibi, saatler asır gibi gelecek. Sonra soğuyacak duyguların, soğuyan bir kamp ateşi misli yalnız ve soğuk olacak için. Her zaman aklında olacak acabaların hep olacak ama zaman yine kısalacak, günler, haftalar aylar çabucak geçecek. Bir daha hiç bir zaman sana bu kadar uzun gelmeyecek. Her zaman aklında bir köşesinde olacak.
Nasıl senin için bunları yaparken birden, sadece gitti. Sadece gitti. Bunu çok geç anlayacaksın belkide hiç anlamayacaksın. Ama bileceksin içinde bir yerlerde canından başka bir şeyi kalmadığını O’nu da kendine sakladı. Mutlu olmayı seçti ve gitti ve bitti. Ne kadar yalın, ne kadar kısa sürdü.
Hiç bir şey çok da uzun değil… Artık senin yanında olmayacağı gerçeği gibi kısa ve öz…
Bu sefer soramadı Adam Kadına sadece söyledi…Pişmanım…


3 hakkında “ADAM ve KADIN No.99” görüş

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